on being the friend who was always left out

em 

i feel like i was always almost in the friend group. like technically invited, but never first. or if they needed an extra. or when someone else bailed.

i used to think something was wrong with me. i liked fashion, but not the kind they liked. i’d wear something i loved and get hit with that "omg i could never pull that off" tone that’s somehow nice and rude at the same time?? i started toning it down. basics only. hoodie on autopilot. not because i wanted to — just because it felt safer.

but i hated it. i missed feeling excited when i got dressed.

then one night i was rereading this book (The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks) and there’s this line about not waiting around to be chosen. it stuck with me. so the next day i wore this insane patchwork jacket i thrifted and didn’t say sorry for it. no one complimented me. but i felt like me.

i started doing that more. wearing stuff i actually liked. even when it felt like no one got it.

and weirdly... people started showing up. slowly. people i hadn’t even noticed before were like, “wait where’d you get that skirt?” and “you actually always have the best outfits.” eventually, i found my people. the ones who love talking about how to style a baggy graphic tee for summer. the ones who will text you just to show off their outfit for the day. the ones who actually get me.

i’m not saying it doesn’t still sting sometimes. but now i know — i was never too much. they just didnt have the capacity to hold space for my uniqueness. but thats ok, cus now i do. and so does my whole friend group. so yeah, i wanted to write this to inspire anyone else out there - if you love fashion, if you love trying bold fits, go for it babe. i promise it'll be ok and you'll find ppl who love you for you, not what you wear.